Slackers are in the news, which is never good news for a slacker – not least because someone might ask you to write about it. So, in the interests of educating the indolent, here’s our slacker’s manifesto – the result of many years of gestation and half an hour of rushed scribbling before the final deadline… 

1.
You should have a preternatural ability for working out what the bare minimum effort is for every task/job/relationship. 
Stick unerringly to it. Less gifted slackers need not, however, despair – the bare minimum can be arrived at using this simple formula: result intended ÷ time you have to do it × how much you give a damn. 

2.
Be economical with information. 
For instance, always give your interlocutor, especially if they are responsible for assigning you work, the bare minimum (there is an exception for excuses). In this way, every deadline becomes a moveable feast. One of those feasts during which people fast. 

3.
Hide in plain sight
The Irish poet Patrick Kavanagh (at least I think it was him – I can’t be bothered to check), once wrote that if you get a reputation for being an early riser, you never need to wake up before midday. Make very public but very noncommittal shows of accepting work and you will never need to actually do any.

4.
Buy a thesaurus. 
You need to get handy with the synonyms so as to construct several different responses for those attempting to make work for you. Disclaimer: you can only say “It’s fine” exactly 13 times before you have to do something about it.

5.
Find a workaholic and attach yourself to them. 
Workaholics love to work and there’s nothing wrong with feeding their addiction. Pass on all of the tasks that you can, they’ll thank you for it. I think. 

6.
Painstakingly ring-fence your role. 
Once you have made it very clear what is within (not a lot) and without (most everything) your remit, then you can work at tightening that net. 

7.
Find out which area of the office has the worst wi-fi signal. 
Make that your zone. If nobody reads an email, was it even sent in the first place? 

8.
Become a pro-crastinator. 
Sort your phone apps by logo colour. Learn more about the Seven Years’ War. Get really good at online billiards. Circumnavigate the Balkans, on Google Streetview. 

9.
Collaborate to vegetate. 
Find a fellow slacker in your organisation and learn to prevaricate and, if needs be, lie for one another. One essential thing to remember is that you must never acknowledge the dark arts that you are both practising – this might break the spell. 

10.
I couldn’t think of anything for number 10. 

Slackers of the world, unite! Tomorrow.