Opener / Andrew Tuck
Mistaken identity
Things were racing along as smoothly as a professional cyclist’s shaven calves at our Monocle Cities Series conference in Chengdu (read more about our time in China in Tyler Brûlé’s The Faster Lane below). The discussion on stage had been sharp, wise and revealing. And, if I say so myself, I had done a pretty good job as moderator. All that was left to do was to take a couple questions from the audience and I would be free – and straight back to the afternoon cake buffet. First I threw to the “woman at the back” and then “the man in the second row”.
If life was a video, this is the point at which I would quickly leap from the sofa to press the stop button and then delete the upcoming minute of tape – perhaps two, to be safe. The gentleman started to ask his question and, from the first word, it was clear I had done some unintentional gender reassignment without as much as a hormone injection being required. The woman – yes, the woman – paused as a few people laughed out loud at my stupidity. Then she calmly pressed on. When the mic came back to me, I admitted to the audience that it was probably wise if I spent more time in the company of my spectacles.
After the talks there were drinks and canapés and, just as I raised my champagne glass, I spotted out of the corner of my eye a figure weaving purposefully through the crowd. This person was definitely headed in my direction. Suddenly, there she was. In front of me. With a slight steeliness in her eye.
“So what do I say to you?” she asked, coolly. I apologised for my blunder and promised to both invest in a guide dog and head into exile on some remote island. She paused. I gulped. Then she laughed.
She took my arm and said, “If you dress like me it happens every day. Wait until you see me covered up in my winter coat – then you can’t even see my boobs.” We then proceeded to have the best conversation of the day about everything from media to global politics. Cards were swapped and promises to meet again were made.
Afterwards I wondered if I should have just said “the person in the second row”, or described anyone I was calling on by some other detail: “The person with the shirt – or is that a dress?” But that struck me as a miserable route to take and not without inherent dangers either: “Apologies, I thought that was a hat, now I can clearly see that you’ve brought your cat.”
We are in a time of worry when it comes to describing people; apparently folk are primed for offence if you fail to grasp the nuances of their identity from the get-go. But really? I have a feeling most of us have been in this spot and, unless there’s clearly some malice at play, do like my new best friend: explain there’s been a mistake, laugh and perhaps delight in the power shift (or wonder if the other person is as myopic as a certain Monocle editor).
A couple of months ago I took a cab into Manhattan from JFK. A conversation started up between me and the driver. Being a journalist, I asked him a lot of questions. He’d come to the city from India – Uttar Pradesh – 20 years ago. His two brothers had followed. His kids were at college. About five minutes from the hotel, in a small clearing in the conversation, he asked, “And you – are you from Japan?” That was a curveball. What had thrown him, I wondered. While I’d be very happy to hail from Japan, I explained that, no, I was actually from the UK. He then asked me where that was. Perhaps he’d napped a lot during his geography lessons.
I have asked a lot of people this week whether they are upset by accidental moments of mistaken identity and it seems that we are actually rather good at just dealing with these incidents. For example, Tom, our managing editor, has a nice new chequered winter coat. On Halloween he was asked by a supermarket checkout assistant if he was off to a party – “No, I’m just going home,” he said. “Oh, I thought you were dressed as Sherlock Holmes.”
Josh, our executive editor, is regularly mistaken for a waiter – just this week the actor Steve Coogan asked him for the bill in a London dining spot. Meanwhile Tomos, our Toronto bureau chief, claims that people regularly mistake him for Leonardo DiCaprio or Jude Law (the jury is still out on that one).
Just before I left the drinks reception – and at this point I was finally back at ease with the world – another woman came bounding up to me. “Tyler!” she said with a beaming smile. “Er, no, I’m Andrew,” I explained gently. The smile faded like a dying summer sun sliding behind the horizon. “Goodbye!” she replied, a little too fast for my liking. Then, just like that, she vanished. Bloody cheek of it.