Opinion / Robert Bound
Crunch time
In a recent interview Raymond Blanc, the Anglophile French chef, blamed the demise of the UK orchard on France’s Golden Delicious. Aided by the “Le Crunch” marketing campaign of the 1970s, crates of these sweet nothings appeared in greengrocers’ shops, turning heads and changing eating habits. “The Golden Delicious single-handedly murdered the British orchard – as a Frenchman, I do feel guilty,” said Blanc. Well said, Raymond. Every Brit knows that Golden Delicious are misnamed, mis-marketed and vile. So, in quick order, which other fruits would we consign to the permanent compost bin of history?
The durian. Asia’s favourite fruit is beloved by expat communities the world over but it certainly isn’t the new avocado and so, fortunately, hasn’t taken over western menus. A cursory Google search relays that the spiky fruit smells like a mixture of “pig shit, turpentine and onions, garnished with a gym sock”. It’s supposedly very nutritious but so is drinking plant fertiliser straight from the bottle.
The jackfruit. In vegan vogue as a meat alternative, this fibrous knave is creeping into sandwich territory and must be stopped. Again, it stinks. “Musky”, say converts, which is surely what we all want from a fruit.
Persimmon. This nasty little mini-pumpkin, fit for a doll’s house on Halloween, just shouldn’t be sold. You know you’re in trouble when someone says, “It tastes like it’s off but it’s not” and getting to “the fruit” requires the skill of an endlessly patient heart surgeon. Pers off.
We could go on but you all know what’s left at the breakfast buffet: the pomelo and star fruit looking forlorn with the cold scrambled eggs. Just give us a bag of Cox and be done with it.