Do you ever pause to consider the essential ingredients that make a hotel stay truly memorable versus competently mediocre? In your years of circling the globe, have you come up with a checklist of the components that make a property worth recommending to friends for a single night or a whole week? Is it the warm welcome from the bellboy who greets your taxi, somehow knows your name and whisks you straight to reception? Is it the perfectly appointed room that’s a mix of soothing hues, warm textures and dim lighting? Are you seduced by a sprawling spa, the relaxing aromas and the masseuse who knows how to untie all of your knots? Or is it all a bit more complex than good architecture, fine tunes, crisp bed linen and an efficient team behind the bar? For the past few days I’ve been trying to decode the elements that made last weekend’s trip to Marseille one of the best of my extended summer season. Here’s what I came up with.
1. Instant immersion. A hotel can be all open arms and cocktails on arrival but if your journey to the property is spent looking at your phone obsessing over forecasts and not taking in the scenery, interrogating what you’re seeing and conversing with your partner or extended family members then you’re unlikely to find yourself in the right frame of mind by the time you pull up kerbside. Our 45-minute taxi ride from airport to hotel offered the right amount of general comment, pointed opinions and local highlights to not only allow a feeling of being well briefed but also leave us curious to know much more.
2. Sun always helps. We left a cloudy Zürich, where the temperature was hovering around 17C. Marseille was almost cloudless and a welcoming 25C.
3. Sunny staff help too. We weren’t greeted with any fanfare on arrival and had to figure out which was the right door to enter the hotel. A bartender on his break gave us the door code, we punched it in, descended the stairs, found our way into the restaurant and were greeted by a funky chap who escorted us to room three.
4. There’s a reason why it’s called a briefing. Sharp hotel staff know that a welcome briefing should be just that: brief. The AC works like this; the wi-fi doesn’t need a code; dial nine for reception; enjoy your stay. Done.
5. How to keep the briefing brief. Sharp hoteliers know that rooms shouldn’t rely on tablets, touchscreens or digital shower interfaces. Switches, levers, knobs and pull cords are all that’s necessary. If the TV needs a technology primer from whoever is on the front desk doing the briefing, then it’s quite likely that you’ll find more to trip you up during your stay. This was an exercise in stripped-back basics and was just what we wanted for 48 hours of easing into autumn sunshine.
6. Yellow. As you’re a follower of Monocle, you’ll know that it’s something of a house colour as it’s optimistic, warm and a general mood-lifter. This little Marseillais gem had plenty of it.
7. Stripes are also good. Green and white; brown and orange; navy and cream; bitter chocolate and yellow – all of these work well for awnings, loungers and towels.
8. On the rocks, part one. As I don’t care much for sand, I’m happiest when a hotel has direct access to the sea via a little place to dive straight in and a good ladder to climb out.
9. On the rocks, part two. It’s even better when a hotel treats guests like responsible adults and not toddlers in a nursery. Rather than plastic goblets and cups on the rocks, the bar staff served drinks in proper glasses and copper or ceramic mugs. God created brooms, dustpans and Havaianas for a reason.
10. Just add locals. Staff who live nearby are likely to show up on time for their shifts and will have tips that aren’t found in a guidebook or on social-media outlets. Local customers not only give a dose of necessary colour but can also be a good source for style tips, from haircuts to seasonal layering. The men of Marseille know a thing or two about the right cut of trouser and how much hair product to use to look suitably wind-blown or just out of bed.
And what’s the name of this fine establishment? Tuba Club. It’s basic, fresh and very, very tasty. It’s perhaps not to everyone’s taste, and not for families, but core readers of this column will surely get it. Enjoy.