I will have to be careful here to protect identities – and to make sure I don’t get thumped. But some time ago I met someone via work who, at the end of the meeting, asked whether I worked with a certain person. I explained that not only did I work with them but that they were a rising star in the company who I knew very well. This is when it got fun. “I used to be their landlord,” he said. “He was part of a very nice group of tenants, although you might want to ask him why there were so many red wine stains on the kitchen ceiling after he left.”
Ask him? Usain Bolt could not have got back to the office faster. In between panting and mopping my perspiring brow, I said to my dear colleague, “I just met your old landlord.” I was delighted to see a pink blushing glow of horror spread up his neck and across his face like, well, red wine thrown in giddy abandon on a pristine white ceiling. Really, it’s moments like these that make life worth living.
Of course, there were denials – “nothing to do with me” kind of stuff. Then an insistence that if anything untoward did happen that he would definitely have been in a library reading an earnest tome about Sophocles when the damage occurred. I let it rest, delighted with myself. But the other day the story arose again and this time he explained that this had nothing to do with the splashing of some vintage claret but rather, once, when he was not there (let’s see whether he sticks to that story when the police arrive) a guest who might have drunk all of said red wine started playing tennis with lemons and that these kept smashing into the ceiling and, in the following weeks, their juicy splashes turned oddly brown, just like red wine stains. Landlord and tenant, it’s a funny old relationship: one minute you are solemnly signing contracts; the next there is mopping up to be done.
When we moved house some 17 years ago, we made the decision to initially rent out our old place and see whether we could hold onto it as an investment. While I have always had regular work and been able to plan ahead a little, my partner, who is an actor, has not, so this was a way of getting some security for him. And I am delighted to say that he has managed everything and let me carry on swishing about.
Over the past 17 years the area where the house sits has become kind of cool and so the house has never been without tenants for more than the moving in and out days. There were the German engineers who left the house in better shape than when they arrived. The New Zealand couple who raised a family in the house. A film director from the US who left half his clothes. The students who embraced the garden in lockdown, planting seeds and growing vegetables. The tenants have been great – no lemon-tennis players. Yes, there was the person who would call my partner out because a lightbulb had gone and they didn’t know what to do and another who had thought it cute that there was a mouse in the house, only alerting my other half when we spotted one in his bed.
Anyway, after 17 years the house needs some love and so after the latest tenants moved out we decided to let it rest and see whether it could recuperate back to how it looked and felt when we lived there. A builder friend is doing all the heavy lifting but there’s so much to do that this time I have had to get involved. What could go wrong? So far I have ordered metal curtain poles online but was surprised when they arrived in a miniature envelope – it seems that I typed in the measurements in millimetres, not metres. I ordered paint samples that seem to have no colour relationship with what’s on the chart – perhaps pink walls could be nice. I fell through a skylight, bruising my derrière.
The other bit that’s tricky – well, for me – is that my lovely design suggestions are brutally and routinely rejected by the builder and my landlord partner. I will suggest buying something delightful, crafted, storied – and every time the two of them chirp back, “It’s not hardwearing enough.” I have in the space of two weeks found myself slowly edged out of the decision making. While they hold meetings at the house, I am left shouting through the letterbox, “What about marble for the counter? Alvar Aalto made some lights that would work in the lounge.”
So in a few weeks the house will welcome the next tenants and once again I will have to remind myself that this is no longer our home – even if I see glimpses of our younger selves every time we go there – but somewhere for other stories to happen. But hopefully ones that do not involve lemon tennis.
Oh, and there is a lot of wardrobe and seating planning going on in London as we’re heading to Dallas this coming week to prepare for The Chiefs conference. There are two seats left at my table; Sophie Grove’s table is oversold; and I think we’re charging extra to sit on Tyler’s lap as they’ve added an extension to his. If you want to join us on 8 and 9 November, get your ticket here.