Dress codes for dummies: Can AI save Chad and Britney from their worst wardrobe impulses?

For the record (a very public one), I love AI (artificial intelligence, in case you’ve missed it)! I know this might come as a bit of a shock given that it’s putting journalists out of work, killing off critical thinking and guaranteeing that anyone entering high school will be part of the dumbest, most disconnected generation yet. But dig a little deeper, with the most selfish motivations, and I firmly believe that daily life is going to vastly improve. Allow me to replay a real-life scenario that might soon be a thing of the past thanks to the wonders of AI.

Thursday evening was a night of serious celebration. After decades of diplomatic acrobatics, trade hustling, on-the-fly cultural education and general (albeit pragmatic and measured) flag-waving for Japan, Monocle friend Melanie Brock was awarded the Order of the Rising Sun, Gold Rays with Neck Ribbon (no less!), principally for her contribution to Japan-Australia relations but I would add that her greatest skill in smooth negotiations is knowing her way around a Japanese corporate boardroom, tracking down the AC panel and knowing how to turn the temperature down from a nap-inducing 25C to a more contract-signing-conducive 21C.

To mark the occasion, I booked New York Grill at the Park Hyatt as it has become a bit of a company classic for significant milestones. The steak ordering comes with a proper briefing session on Hokkaido versus Sendai tenderloin cuts and there’s an ever-improving Japanese wine cellar to match. Even before bums touched seats, the sommelier was pouring a very crisp bottle of sparkling wine from Yamanashi Prefecture while Melanie passed around the medal for our gathered group to inspect. As dining rooms atop modern towers go, New York Grill is hard to beat. The Japanese waitstaff are pressed and well-tailored, the linen likewise and there’s a wonderful choreography between kitchen, bar, tables and the dazzling, endless city beyond.

As we moved to another bottle of the Koshu sparkling our attention and conversation became punctuated by the frequent distractions drifting near and far across the Grill. Often it was a simple raising of eyebrows or a rapid sideways glance that would draw our table’s attention to a visual disturbance. Sometimes it was an expanse of bad denim atop a weird athletic sandal or maybe an even larger expanse of fatty bare back squeezed into a gingham tablecloth turned prairie dress. “Honestly, what are people thinking?” started our medal recipient. “Can they not see how everyone else makes an effort in this country when they go out?” We all quickly agreed – while watching an athleisurely clad, tablet-toting family shuffle past – that things were officially out of control in many Japanese public settings and swift action was needed to remind people that the world is not an extension of their living room.

Indeed, the lack of sartorial common sense was at such a low level on Thursday evening that by 22.00 the overall elegance of the Grill had been snuffed out by couples and quads of the very poorly dressed. Need I tell you where most of these tech-bro-influenced people were from? No, I didn’t think so. Which brings me neatly to the wonders of AI. As most of this crowd are likely at the leading edge of all things digitally powered and energy-sapping, and increasingly leave all decision-making to far-flung data centres, I find some relief in the fact that soon very basic, daily exercises such as getting dressed or going out the front door will require some level of consultation with a supposed digital know-it-all.

Thanks to a bit of scraped input from the likes of the Park Hyatt, Chad and Britney will find that they won’t be allowed to show up at the Grill dressed as though they’re off to Starbucks in Santa Monica. When they ask “where should we go for dinner tonight in Tokyo?”, an AI service will respond: “Park Hyatt would be a good choice but based on your retail purchase patterns and the images that you’ve uploaded over the past 18 months, you don’t possess the appropriate wardrobe to visit this establishment. The Isetan department store is 10 minutes away and closes at 20.00. Would you like me to make a dinner reservation once you’ve updated your wardrobe with the appropriate pieces?”

For people who don’t know any better, or are simply oblivious to their surroundings, the world might just become a more attractive place thanks to the imminent collapse of basic decision-making and general self-awareness. Then again, Chad and Britney could also trot down to the Monocle Shop in Tomigaya, where not only would we kit them out with some new gear to look the part but also give them some fitting establishments to go with their new wardrobe. They would even get to interact with real, live Japanese people for a few minutes. How luxurious, how novel.

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