Don’t wing it. Here’s how to behave on a plane

Flying commercial can be an experience. And not always a good one. While headlines focus on belligerent drunks causing planes to be redirected or crazed people trying to open the door mid-flight, it’s usually a host of smaller infractions of etiquette that leave fellow passengers – and no doubt many crew – seething. So please remember the following.

1.
Don’t touch my hat! It’s remarkable how many people up at the front of the plane believe that the overhead luggage bin is an extension of their home wardrobe and accordingly attempt to control all access. Sorry, but finding a home for someone’s suitcase takes precedence over accommodating the expansive experimental millinery you’ve purchased for cousin Jill’s wedding in Siena. Really worried? Pop that fedora on your head and wear your packing regret with pride.

2.
When you are asked by the crew to put your phone away for takeoff, please just do it. Again, this behaviour is most egregious at the front of the plane where all too often there’s an entitled fellow who behaves like he’s closing the deal of the century. The cabin crew aren’t buying your Masters of the Universe status and neither are your neighbours. Put it away.

3.
It’s also striking how many people are midway through a brutal telephonic slanging match with their partner as the plane readies for lift off and their signal dies. “I know that you’re sleeping with her, don’t deny it… hello, can you hear me? Hello? Hello, are you still there Simon?” Can be entertaining for people nibbling their nuts in the rows around you but best avoided.

4.
Should you talk to the passenger next to you? Interesting one. I’d say read the signs. If they are constantly holding their headphones an inch away from their ears or keep glancing at their book about accountancy then they don’t want to chat. But even if they are up for a conversation keep the topics light and easy – no emotional downloads, no updates on Simon’s philandering, no medical histories, no sex tips (unless they are really good).

5.
Who has the right to control the window blind? The person sitting next to it of course. This is one of the last remaining tenets of a civilised world.

6.
Can you ask people to switch seats so that you can sit next to your partner? Of course but only if you are not attempting to manoeuvre anyone to a worse seat. And no silliness if they decline your offer.

7.
Seat in the recline position after takeoff? Ask the person behind if it would inconvenience them and take it from there. It’s the sudden jerking back of a seat that causes tempers to fly, especially when people have a laptop out or are eating. Being nice is always a good plan.

8.
Did you and your partner book an aisle and window seat and expect someone to sit in between you all the way to Corfu? I hope your luggage goes missing. You are bad people.

9.
On short-haul flights any meal or drinks service is against the clock. So cut it out with the elaborate drink order. No they can’t make you an extra-spicy bloody mary. You’re not down the Dog and Duck.

10.
Babies cry. Get over it.

11.
Old people are sometimes slow. Get over this too.

12.
Is it OK to bring your own food? Of course. But there are limits. I recently sat next to a muscular gentleman who – judging by the whole roast chicken he devoured – seemed concerned about his protein intake. Or how about the four tech bros dotted around a business-class cabin who were served tubs of health-food nonsense by a private chef who appeared from his seat behind the economy curtain? Tofu time can wait.

13.
God invented headphones for a reason – so children can play video games in silence. And, no, even if you turn down the volume, nobody wants to hear the tinny refrain of Peppa Pig’s latest adventure.

14.
Can you rest your weary bare feet on the fuselage? No, you need some socks, a pedicure and some manners.

15.
Finally, people want to get off this flight, so please perfect your exit. Perhaps practise at home a few times by rearranging your dining chairs in a neat row like on a plane. And remember, coats can be put on once you are off the aircraft. 

Follow these rules and you might not enjoy your flight but at least nobody will fantasise about opening the door over the Med.

To read more from Andrew Tuck, click here.