Don’t make a meal of your business lunch. Here are 20 rules that’ll help you avoid a two-course ordeal

A business lunch can be a fine thing. Over a couple of courses, you can find common ground, show your appreciation and navigate what might have seemed like a tricky relationship when it was all taking place online. But after years of video calls and working from home, people have grown shy of the idea. So here’s a starter pack of advice.

1.
You will probably have between an hour and 90 minutes so ensure that you choose the restaurant wisely. Tasting menus and wine pairings are painful at the best of times. At lunch, they are like a kidnapping with compote. Oh, and no sharing concepts.

2.
The restaurant should be easy to find. Your counterparts shouldn’t need the skills of Sir Ranulph Fiennes to locate “this really cool place that I’ve heard about”. You want this friendship – meet in the middle and respect their time.

3.
Don’t be scared to go low. It won’t work every time but sometimes modesty is the best policy. Fish and chips? Why not?

4.
No laptops or phones. It’s a restaurant, not the Apple Store.

5.
An emergency call from the office? You may go outside once. But you are already losing the room. Twice? It will look as though you’re having an affair or are just rude.

6.
Know your neighbours. Don’t wander into sensitive territory and ask financial questions if half of the people in the club or restaurant are in the same trade as you. And if the key numbers can’t be written down on the back of a napkin, don’t attempt to pick apart spreadsheet-level details while dissecting a guinea fowl.

7.
Arrive on time. Sorry, I don’t care if your husband lost a leg this morning. The clock is ticking.

8.
Here are the lateness rules. Ten minutes are forgivable (ask the maître d’ for a newspaper or have an emergency novel in your pocket; don’t just scroll). Twenty minutes late? They’re paying. Thirty minutes? Have a nice lunch and finish your book.

9.
Be interesting. The best business lunches are with people who know stuff and can tell a story or two. No, they don’t want to see pictures of your children.

10.
Shut up. Listen. It’s a rare skill but one you should perfect.

11.
If you are American, don’t look horrified when a European orders a glass of wine at lunch. No intervention is needed.

12.
If you’re jabbing your thigh with semaglutide these days and have the appetite of a dormouse, why did you come? As soon as you asked the waiter if they could do a half-portion of the rocket salad, this was over.

13.
“I won’t have bread but if you want it, please go ahead.” Really, avoid all virtue signalling when ordering. Show that you’re the kind of person who knows how to let everyone get what they want from an agreement – even when it’s just the breadbasket that’s at stake. 

14.
Be decent. That means to the restaurant staff too. At the end of a very nice lunch this week, my guest said to the waiter, “Your service has been exceptional. Indeed, it was a highlight of the meal.” It was one of those small interactions that underlined why I love working with this writer.

15.
How many courses? Having just a starter and a main is the industry standard. Just a main is also fine, though it can imply that you would rather be out of there. Puddings? They can work but the lunch now risks resembling a family outing with grandma.

16.
Coffee? Ordering espressos with the bill will leave everyone feeling caffeinated and on schedule. “Can I have a pot of your green tea?” is a sentence that will cause anxiety levels to rise among your fellow diners.

17.
Who’s paying? Splitting a bill for a business lunch is rarely wise. If you’re the one who selected the venue and set the dining pace, just pay. If your counterpart has been ascending to the Himalayan heights of the wine menu or ordering a labrador-sized steak, sit back.
 
18.
No doggy bags. You might not like to waste food but unless you’re working for an NGO, taking away a tub of slowly congealing dauphinoise potatoes won’t make you look cool, just parsimonious.

19.
They paid? Say thank you. 

20.
You paid? Say thank you for their time and for being good company. Well, only if they were.

To read more columns by Andrew Tuck, click here