I was about to wish you a “good morning” but stopped for sensitivity reasons. I then decided “happy Sunday” might be better but, for sensitivity reasons, I held back. “Sunny greetings” seemed like a good idea too but, for reasons of sensitivity, this wasn’t appropriate either. So here we are at a feelings stand-off because just when we thought it was safe to venture back out into the world and say what you want, we’re being bombarded with the most perverse marketing nonsense to ever be deployed by a send button.

To be fair, this is not a global phenomenon (thank heavens!) but something that has taken hold in the sensitivity departments of companies up and down the UK. If you’re not up to speed on this new form of e-blast, it’s meant to make the recipient feel like their personal history is at the core of a fragrance, fashion or hospitality company’s every concern as you’re asked to opt out of correspondence for Mother’s Day, Easter, Father’s Day and any other day that is important for sales but might somehow cause offence, bring back bad family episodes and demand a week or two off work. What a lot of insincere, stupid nonsense!

For starters, if you’re a brand that is so concerned about the words “Mother’s Day” causing offence, then why bring it up in the first place? If you don’t want to encourage your customers to buy something for their mum then get your clever marketing team to cook up a better idea to flog your new scent or sell your discounted suites – and don’t send out an email that might already cause extreme pain by mentioning “mother” as a starter. Second, what does it say about your marketing department and brand in general when you send out something so half-baked and kneejerk? I received such a drippy email from a company I like(d) very much but I’m now wondering: who on earth is running the show over there? Do they really think that they’re going to win loyalty with such correspondence? And third, where do you draw the line? Do you stop at “good morning” because some customers might have woken up with extreme diarrhea at 07.00 and are forever traumatised because they narrowly missed the toilet bowl? Should a company stop sending email correspondence after sundown because some people might be scared of the dark? And what about seriously offensive words such as “wishing” or “kindest” in a sign off? I might be in therapy because not all of my wishes have so far come true and people haven’t always been at their kindest over the past five decades. 

That managers and business owners allow this behaviour to pass, and even flourish, is at the core of the ongoing collapse of common sense and the erosion of resilience. At a time when companies should be concerned with their bottom line and embracing as many customers as possible, the idea that there are sensitivity gains to be made by attempting to be a “feeling brand” is most offensive. We have been through a solid six to seven years of this type of behaviour and it’s not working. UK retail is in crisis and brands are presenting seemingly perfect worlds in their campaigns that are completely removed from the reality of demographic data – they need to get back to running customer-service training programmes that attract talent and retain passionate employees. They must park their politics and focus on selling better products and creating environments where people feel good and want to consume.

So far, I’ve not received any of these opt-out-of-daily-life emails from Sweden, France, Switzerland or the US. Hopefully this is one of those British curiosities that remains on the islands. Wishing you the sunniest, happiest, motherly week ahead.

Update 8 May: Robert Prevost has been announced as the new (and first American) Pope.

With the papal conclave that will select the next pontiff under way, all eyes are on nations with large Catholic populations and the cardinals who could succeed the late Pope Francis. Here we get the view from the Philippines, Ghana, Brazil and Italy, four countries where the next Vicar of Christ could potentially come from. 

The Philippines
The liberal pick: Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle
By Richard Heydarian, academic and columnist

As many as six million Filipinos showed up for Pope Francis’s visit to the Philippines in 2015, a world record that reflects the profundity of the country’s devotion to Catholicism. This is one of the world’s most devout nations and there’s an informal public understanding among Catholics here that it would be disrespectful to talk about succession during the nine-day grieving period for Pope Francis. Deep down, however, many Filipinos hope that the next pontiff will bring the same spirit of openness and inclusiveness to the Vatican. There are three Filipino cardinals heading into the conclave; among them, Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle is seen as the most progressive. He has made strong statements about discrimination and prejudice against the LGBTQ community and those who are going through divorce. But during my visit to the Vatican, I sensed that Italy’s Pietro Parolin is the favourite among cardinals who are invested in the continuity of Pope Francis’s legacy. Still, history tells us that early favourites are not necessarily the one who is chosen.

Ghana
The foreign-affairs pick: Cardinal Peter Turkson
By Joseph Appiah-Dolphyne, journalist and press officer

Pope Francis was revered among Catholics, looked up to as an inspiration and credited with growing the faith in Ghana and across Africa. While it’s right to say that Ghana’s Cardinal Peter Turkson would be a more conservative choice, humility is one trait that he shares with the late Argentine. Born one of 10 children in the country’s Western Region, Turkson grew up in a far-from-affluent family. Before becoming a cardinal, he cut his diplomatic teeth as chairman of Ghana’s National Peace Council, an independent advisory committee. After being promoted to the cardinalate, he served as the president of the Pontifical Council for Justice and Peace until 2017 and was sent as an envoy to South Sudan by Pope Francis to aid peace negotiations. Electing the first African pontiff would be a show of faith in the continent. In practical terms, Turkson could also continue the late pope’s diplomatic push.

Brazil
The popularity pick: Cardinal Sérgio da Rocha
By Fernando Augusto Pacheco, Monocle’s senior foreign correspondent

There are more Catholics in Brazil than in any other country. The Church’s imagery and expressions are part of daily life here. Despite this, none of the seven Brazilian cardinals in the conclave are favoured to ascend to the Chair of Saint Peter. Still, the Catholic Church needs Brazil and should certainly consider the popular Cardinal Sérgio da Rocha for the papacy. While one priority for the next pontiff will be to grow the faith in Africa and Asia, an effort to reconnect with Brazilians and Latin America as a whole wouldn’t go amiss. I would wager that, as with Pope Francis, the new Bishop of Rome’s first international trip will take him to the streets of Copacabana.

Italy
The local pick: Cardinal Matteo Zuppi (and more)
By Juliet Linley, journalist and former Vatican correspondent

It has been 47 years since we’ve had an Italian pope and there are several candidates on the cards. When I was in Rome for Pope Francis’s funeral, Cardinal Matteo Zuppi was the popular choice among pilgrims. The progressive cardinal and current Archbishop of Bologna is known for his diplomatic skills and missionary work. He was closely involved with peace-making efforts in Mozambique in the 1990s and recently facilitated prisoner exchanges between Russia and Ukraine. 

Cardinal Pietro Parolin is also among the candidates. As Pope Francis’s number two, he will know most of the electors personally, which will give him an edge in the conclave. From a theological perspective, he is neither too traditional nor contemporary, though he opposes same-sex marriage and euthanasia. He might be undone by a controversial secret pact that he arranged between the Vatican and China in 2018. He’s also not quite as charismatic as Francis: diplomatic but maybe a bit too vanilla. 

The other top Italian contender is Cardinal Pierbattista Pizzaballa, whose name (“dancing pizza”) has attracted attention from people who wouldn’t usually be pope-watchers. Like Francis, he’s open, diplomatic and knows his geopolitics. As Jerusalem’s first cardinal, he has been based in the Middle East for 35 years, supporting interfaith dialogue between Muslims, Jews and Christians, and advocating for peace during the Gaza conflict.

Hear more views from each nation by checking out our Monocle Radio series on The Briefing throughout the papal conclave.