Reading between the wrapping paper: what your Christmas gifts really mean
In this moment of goodwill to all men (and ladies too, of course), you need to stay alert because, believe me, all sorts of mean shit is going down all around you. But fear not, because we’re here to keep you safe with our guide to spotting Christmas cheapskates, lazy gifters and passive-aggressive sleights.
They say: “This year we’re not giving gifts, instead we are donating the money that we would have spent to a donkey sanctuary.”
It means: they think all of their family are a bunch of asses, so they might as well just give the cash to the real deal.
They give you: a scented candle.
It means: they think that you’re super boring but probably have quite a nice house.
They give you: a panettone.
It means: they think that you’re super boring but at least you have a healthy appetite.
They sent you: a Christmas card that features their family wearing jolly jumpers and sporting beaming grins.
It means: they’re Americans. Or members of a European royal family. Or, they’re surely getting a divorce next year.
They say: this is the final Christmas card you’ll get from us.
It means: “We’re Danish.”*
They sent you: a digital Christmas card.
It means: “You’re dead to us.” Or also, from next year, “We’re Danish”.
They gave you: a Monocle subscription.
It means: you’re the cool cat in the family. And you can even read.
Your partner gave you: the first nice gift ever – and you’ve been together 20 years!
It means: he’s having an affair.
Your partner gave you: tea towels, a set of saucepans or a kettle.
It means: you should be having an affair.
All your business contacts sent you: boxes of chocolates.
It means: congratulations, you now live in Switzerland.
You received: a figurine of a man shitting with gusto.
It means: you have made an enemy this year. Or, congratulations you live in Barcelona.**
Your partner gave you: clothes that are at least one size too small.
It means: you’ll be Googling “weight-loss jabs” later today.
Your partner gave you: secateurs.
It means: can you do more around the garden?
Your partner gave you: saucy underwear.
It means: extra stuffing all round.
Belated Christmas card: arrives on December 24.
It means: they received yours several days ago and felt obliged to respond. Or, they have just about written you off.
Your partner promised to: take you to a Monocle conference in 2026.
It means: this one’s a keeper.
* It’s not that we’re implying that Danes are particularly cheap, rather that the country’s national postal service, PostNord, has announced that it will stop all letter deliveries at the end of this year because of falling demand – a collapse of 90 per cent since 2000.
** Catalans add the figure of a shitting man to nativity scenes. Known as El Caganer, he’s been popping up – and pooping out – for more than 200 years. His origins remain sketchy but, boy, is he loved.
To read more columns by Andrew Tuck, click here.
