Opener / Andrew Tuck
Game for a laugh
OK, here goes. I have never been to a professional football match, watched anyone play golf or spent an afternoon at the cricket. And I don’t think I have missed much. Hey! Stop, throwing things at me! I promise that there’s a moment of sporting redemption coming your way.
Firstly, I blame the parents. Mine had no interest in any sport – watching Wimbledon on TV on a hot summer’s evening was about as far as it went. That’s why in junior school the headmaster, sensing my apathy, would bring along his dog Benji to football practice and let me take it for a walk while everyone else skidded on the muddy field.
Over the years, however, I have been to the rugby, the races and even Wimbledon. And it’s been fun enough. Especially when there’s catering involved. But watching it. On TV. No way.
This means that on a Monday morning at Monocle I can usually dodge the first conversation of the day – how various teams performed at the weekend. Although it can be fun pretending to join in every now and then – a good trick is to learn just one footballer’s name and, when some football banter starts, chip in with an inane – but referenced – comment. For many years my go to was, “What about little Joey Cole on Saturday.” I must have seen his name somewhere and he did me good service, enjoying a long career and numerous outings in the national squad. People even began to tell me updates about my seeming obsession. Sadly he retired last year and I need a replacement.
Now for the promised – modest – redemption. Earlier this month while visiting Monocle’s bureaux, I went with a sports-obsessed colleague (let’s just say he spends a lot of time managing a pretend football team on his phone) to see a basketball match in Toronto featuring local heroes the Raptors.
For the sports-averse it had some obvious appeal: it’s indoors, the people getting rowdy are Canadians (basically, we’re safe), you can have a drink brought to you and there are fireworks and a dancing troupe.
Even so, I may have had a sports-fan moment back there. Or as my colleague said, “you look tense”. But the oddest moment was when they lost – just when it seemed possible that victory could have been theirs. It was a sport and a team I knew nothing about, and I was pissed off. Sport: see, I knew it wasn’t good for you.