THE OPENER / ANDREW TUCK
Keep the customer satisfied
1.
Non-essential shops have been allowed to open in the UK for the past two weeks. To see how business is faring after the initial rush, I cycled the length of Oxford Street – and the omens are not good. Even at fast-fashion flagships and the big sports stores, there were no queues and the guards there to control the hoped-for throngs looked bored and hot. I headed on to Covent Garden: the Apple Store did have a crowd but elsewhere shops were empty. At Arket I was the only person on the men’s floor and, when I went to pay for some discounted T-shirts, it turned out that the staff had closed the tills early.
As one colleague commented this week, the measures forced on retailers have stripped away the reasons why shopping can be enjoyable – browsing, trying on clothes, getting advice – and left you just able to do the grittiest bit: pay. At Arket someone was found to reopen a checkout but neither staff nor customers can think of these encounters as meaningful brand experiences. Instead, this medicalised world of shopping underlines a sense of potential danger at every turn and all those warning signs are reminiscent of the health warnings on cigarette packs. I hope that retailers are allowed to ditch some of these rules soon and can get back to being employers, neighbourhood-makers and the purveyors of T-shirts that hide any impact of lockdown sourdough.
2.
I am the opposite of an early adopter when it comes to technology. So it was only during lockdown that I finally made friends with Siri. And this was born out of laziness. I’d shout out new musical requests while I was focused on my laptop and, over time, we built up quite the rapport. I don’t know whether it’s because I am now spending more time at the office but she’s definitely got the hump. You can ask her to play French pop, for example, and she’ll test your patience by replying, “Here’s some music I found by Stormzy.” Indeed she seems to be having a Stormzy moment because one morning this week when I asked her to play Monocle 24, she came back with the same reply. But then, some 12 hours later, tucked up in bed, I suddenly awoke thinking that Tyler Brûlé was in the house – and he was: Siri had suddenly acquiesced to play our radio station and the chief himself was presenting. I must ask Siri what I did to upset her but she doesn’t seem to be in the right zone for that chat. Until then, I’ll be singing along with Stormzy.
3.
As lockdowns ease even more, cities are encouraging restaurants to promote their takeaway services and here in London some pubs are now doing takeaway beers served in litre glasses (you pay a deposit to ensure that the vessel is returned). And this is going to be a theme of the summer: alfresco food and alcohol. The missing bit in the equation? Loos. Let’s just say that London’s parks, alleys and doorways are getting an unseasonal downpour. It’s all very Hogarth. Sorry, didn’t mean to put you off your muesli. Perhaps mobile loos would be a good investment tip for The Entrepreneurs – there’s pent-up demand.
4.
Fitzrovia is a central London neighbourhood with an eclectic mix of offices, homes, restaurants and retail. Walking through it this week, I noticed hundreds of white sticky arrows on the pavements. At first I thought it was a clever marketing stunt to get you to the front door of a new restaurant but they seemed to be taking you in all sorts of odd directions. And then I twigged. This was supposed to be a way of getting people to observe social distancing – so depending on which side of the road you were on, they pointed in different directions. But they must have ordered too many arrows because they were everywhere – even on roads that are always empty. It’s both confusing and redundant as the social-distancing edict is about to be dropped to one metre. And there is always another, cheaper, option available: let people use common sense.