THE FASTER LANE / TYLER BRÛLÉ
Breath of fresh air
We’ll start with a scene-setter. A rather elaborate one. We’re in Gstaad, it’s Friday evening and we’re on the terrace of a very grand hotel – perhaps one of the grandest alpine retreats in all of Europe. It’s absolutely packed and, despite our late arrival, it’s difficult to get a table. “Not to worry, we’ll have a drink over there while you arrange things,” I suggest to the gentleman in a dinner jacket who’s running the show. At the edge of the terrace we settle in and breathe in the cool air drifting down the slopes – chamomile, clover and cow shit. Why hasn’t Comme des Garçons turned this into a fragrance yet?
On the steps by the entrance a lanky Italian lady and her partner on the keys are taking turns singing bossa and jazz standards. They sound wonderful, as though they’re only whispering into their microphones, and there’s just enough showmanship to make you listen in and so very little that you don’t feel as though they’re intruding on your lobster bisque. A couple of tables along, Roman Polanski is dining with a woman (it might be his wife) and two other French gentlemen. The one beside Polanski has a nose so large that he could challenge one of the nearby peaks of the Berner Oberland. Who else is here this evening? Where are our drinks? Ahhh, there they are. A junior dining room cadet is striding toward us with flutes in one hand and a bottle of champagne in another. A quick scan of the licence plates in the carpark earlier in the day has given me some assistance in reading the room. Assessing dinner attire also helps.
An essay in a Swiss newspaper recently suggested that there’s a danger that we will no longer be allowed to gauge where people are from – or ask them. That “reading” people will be seen as judgemental, racist and out of step with the times. Thankfully, the writer was suggesting otherwise and making a case for the fact that humans – indeed all animals – instinctively sniff out a situation to assess threat or opportunity, place of origin and possible amorous conquest. By our very nature we listen to accents, assess hair colour, analyse skin tone, look at shoes and size-up eyewear, and instantly compute whether a person is dazzling or dull, a menace or harmless. The essayist suggested that it’s a complete waste of time to make broad, sweeping attempts to correct something that we’re programmed to do: observe, judge and analyse.
Humans – indeed all animals – instinctively sniff out a situation to assess threat or opportunity, place of origin and possible amorous conquest
Which brings us to the family seated behind Mr Polanski. They sound English but it’s doubtful that they live in the UK as the children have assumed a more alpine style and the parents are dressed head to toe in Loro Piana. As Loro Piana are the official uniform suppliers to all residents in and around Geneva who want to stay safe and somewhat current in sartorial terms, I reckon that this bunch live somewhere near Morges and that papa is either at a bank or running legal affairs for one of the tobacco multinationals headquartered near the lake.
And who’s the crowd getting up from the table and making their way to the bar? The boys (ranging from 12 to 17) are all in navy blazers, chinos and loafers, and two girls are in floaty dresses in espadrilles. Pulling up the rear are the parents and grandparents, and there’s a linen janker (think Tiroler-style half-belted jacket with horn buttons and stand-up collar) on dad, in green, and a similar one on what must be his father. Their manner is confident, they don’t look around but straight ahead. They all have impeccable posture. They must be from Hamburg. And what about the chic Japanese lady in her sixties – or is she 90? She’s Japanese after all – with the ultra-bronzed Italian chap? And why do they know everyone on the terrace?
I could have carried on making character sketches all evening but bed called and so I climbed the stairs and obediently went to sleep. If you’re in need of a bit of summer escapism, generally well-behaved people and a few days to remind you that all is (or can be) well in the world, a classic alpine hotel is hard to beat.