OPENER / ANDREW TUCK
Way of life
Three weeks ago today, my partner got a call from his aunt, Meg. She was in hospital because her right leg was numb. After an MRI scan, the consultant confirmed that she had had a small stroke. Over the next few days, she made a rapid recovery and plans were made for her return home. But then, another problem: a blood clot had developed deep in her leg. There were two choices: an operation that would probably involve amputation of one or both legs, or she would start on her “end of life pathway”. It’s not a piece of wayfinding anyone likes to encounter.
She phoned friends, took counsel from my partner, and decided it was time to go. “Yes, I know what this means,” she said. None of us wanted this last stretch to be in hospital, so we agreed that she would return home and my partner (her closest relative) and I would take care of her. The doctors said that we could perhaps have two weeks; it turned out to be just four days. On Wednesday morning, as the dawn was breaking, she died.
Now when I say “we” took care of her, there was thankfully also a team of incredible nurses: a district nurse who came in once a day to ensure all was OK, as well as a duo who dropped in three times a day to wash and clean her. You also have a telephone number for “rapid response” if you are in trouble – we used that number. Unfortunately, despite playing a pivotal role, we did not get uniforms, stethoscopes or even any bandages to play with. I thought that unfair and will be raising the issue.
On the first day we gave her morphine orally when the pain was too much but even that was administered on a drip by the end. But dying is a quite hands-on experience – applying cold flannels when temperatures soar; moistening lips with a piece of gauze. And holding hands and talking.
A neighbour came round with little vials of essential oils which she massaged into Meg’s hands and which brought calm to her pained face. Not wanting to be upstaged in our nursing roles, we were subsequently quick on the oil whenever she looked pained – I think we may have literally allowed her to slip away to the next life like a sardine down a gull’s throat. I also hope that Meg didn’t mind her elegant house smelling like a massage parlour.
The nurses did occasionally ask us to get in supplies. One day they needed us to purchase underwear. The next, a stack of incontinence pads. On these occasions I told David that I thought it best that I sit alone with Meg. I am sure that he’s got the townsfolk here talking with his ad-hoc purchases. The pads were not needed in the end but, so far, he’s refused to return them for a refund.
One of the good things about having some time together is that you can ask about the funeral and find out where the will is (and rewrite it if necessary). Meg was precise in her final instructions. Yes, there should be a notice in the local paper – but only if we did not use any banalities. “Will be sadly missed” was not to appear next to her name.
So while this is not going to have the same cachet for her as a note in the Stratford Herald, I’ll give you just a few sentences of obit. Meg was 92 and never lost any mental capacity or struggled with memory. She was as fit as a fiddle until three weeks ago, but did have sight problems. She was fun, had a vast network of friends, liked sharing a bottle of red, always looked glamorous, enjoyed a long lunch with us at Soho Farmhouse and, in short, was not defined by age but spirit. And to the end she was a Monocle 24 listener – see, I told you she was great. She has also been our Christmas Day date every year, until coronavirus kept us apart. She was a blast.
The very end was silent. David spent the nights sleeping on a camp bed next to her. She was here at 5.00am on Tuesday but, when he touched her at 6.30, he knew she was gone. I came and checked (me and the dog). It was over. We called the nurse who came and confirmed our prognosis. Perhaps we could have stethoscopes after all?
At the moment of death you perhaps look for signs and, as the dawn unfolded, sun shone through the house. I found myself opening the patio doors to let her leave (I realise my religious understanding is shaky if I believe that double-glazing might encumber you soaring to heaven but it seemed appropriate). But her life is not over, she will be part of us, and we will raise a glass of malbec to her every Christmas. Godspeed Meg.
And a final sign of the miracles of life. An hour after Meg’s death, a message from my colleague and friend Tom Reynolds. His wife Ianthe has given birth to their first child. And so, on this day, one story ends and that of young Fenner Wright-Reynolds begins. I wish you well, young man. May life be an adventure.