We have all become used to the notes in hotels informing us that towels will only be replaced if you leave them on the floor or that this is a hotel that no longer allows plastic bottles on the premises – hence the metal object that you thought was an intrusive medical instrument but is in fact an artist-designed water jug. But it’s on a fleeting trip to Copenhagen this week that I see where this might all be headed.
When I get to my room, there’s a flyer on the desk featuring a picture of a smiling lady from housekeeping who I will never meet. Why? Because under her image there’s some text that tells me that to cut down on water and energy use, this hotel is “discontinuing the cleaning of rooms that do not really need cleaning – we believe this is the most sustainable choice”. It seems that you can get garbage removed but only if you call housekeeping by 23.00 the evening before. But wait, here’s another notice that puts a wrinkle in that plan. “We no longer have phones in our rooms – please use your own phone to contact the front desk.” It takes you some time to read everything that the hotel will not be doing during your stay.
The next morning, down to breakfast and you wonder whether Greta is running the kitchen. Above the coffee machine is chalked, “We believe that sustainability is the new luxury”, which could just be a wise pre-emptive warning that the coffee is really bad. There are more signs about animal welfare, the baked beans are some vegan medley and there are chia puddings (also known in my house as the devil’s sperm). Perhaps they are just trying to ensure that the Donald doesn’t come to stay when he lands in Copenhagen for the handing over of Greenland.
Illustration: Mathieu De Muizon
Look, people are happy doing their bit for the environment but you don’t want to stay in a hotel that feels like a student sit-in. Or, for that matter, a brothel (unless that’s what takes your fancy on a business trip, I am not judging here).
Because that’s the other kind of in-room hotel messaging that pushes one over the edge – the world of the coquettish double entendres. One of the worst offenders on this front is a group of hotels founded by a man who I like a great deal. Even so, who needs a pillow that has “Let’s spend the night together” printed on it?
If you are determined to go down this route, please go all in and have pillows that say things such as, “What a lovely firm bottom you have”; or “Now that’s what I call a big one!”; or, how about, “I won’t tell your wife”. Or just, “Bite me”.
Overly jolly in-room messages are also risky. That same hotel group puts up signs in its rooms declaring “Life is good”. But how does that hit if you are in town for your mother’s funeral? Though, if you are in line for a decent chunk of the inheritance, or she was a miserable sod, I guess it could work. But really, I just need a plain-white pressed pillowcase.
Anyway, when I go to check out, I’m so caught up by the hotel’s mix of austerity and hectoring that I’m taken aback when they don’t ask me to vacuum the lobby and return to the breakfast room to wash my cup and plate. However, just in case you find yourself in room 334, I promise that I made the bed, used a sock to dust all surfaces and hung up my towels to dry – they should be good for another week or two. Have fun.