OPENER / ANDREW TUCK
People we meet
01 Masks
A day trip to Geneva. On the flight over there is one person sporting a face mask (is there a mask that isn’t a face mask?). She’s a chic woman in a tricksy multicoloured fur coat that she wears throughout the flight. I watch as she tries to insert pieces of cheese and then salami under the mask and into her mouth. And then there’s another elaborate manoeuvre to get some red wine in without fully removing the mask. It’s not a great look and soon her mantle is flecked in food debris. But is she the only wise one among us? On the flight back, the plane is full of epidemiologists and medical wonks returning from a meeting at the World Health Organisation about coronavirus. I know this because they are all talking about it in rather excited tones. “I predict this will have a very long tail; it could last until November,” says one. “The modelling is being done by statisticians but I want to hear from the people in the labs,” says another. Perhaps an outbreak like this comes with a certain macabre excitement if it’s your focus of study? But none of them is wearing a mask and there are lots of handshakes as they say goodbye. Are they the wise ones?
02 Manoeuvres One of the best things about yoga is that you can pretty much ignore everyone else in the class apart from the teacher (oh, and the guy whose deep-breathing technique sends a sound reverberating around the room that, with your eyes closed, makes you wonder if a horny seal has just flopped up on a mat). But lately there’s been a bit of “and, now, for the next exercise, find a partner”. Any kind of audience participation triggers in me an urge to take flight. But it’s hard to discreetly exit a yoga class when the teacher shouts out, “Let me know next time if you’re going to leave early.” This week I got paired with someone super friendly and annoyingly attractive. You had to sit on the floor, push the other person’s legs apart with your feet, then grasp their hands and gently pull them towards you. And, within seconds, we were in positions that you’d normally reserve for Valentine’s Day. Anyway, between my yoga-buddy’s encouragement to “pull harder” but “be gentle”, I found myself spouting all sorts of old-school cocktail-party chatter to keep things running smoothly: “And what line of work are you in?”, “What a nice name”, “Really, as much as that!” I think we are going to be new best friends.
03 Misinterpretation Two women walk past me and one says, “Wow, so handsome.” A good definition of getting older is not imagining, even for a second, that this comment is meant for you. It goes without saying that it’s your dog that’s turning heads. But, for some reason, this woman must have felt there was actually room for me to misinterpret her and so, after a few more steps, she turned around to shout, “I mean the dog – not you!” I am sure I saw a smirk on Macy’s (the dog’s) face. My smug hound might even have sniggered.
04 Meanies Two weeks ago I was on a flight that was delayed because there was a child on board with an extreme nut allergy and, before an announcement could be made asking people to resist their cashew urges, someone had been seen dipping into a nutty treat. There was a process: the pilot had to get clearance to continue, the staff had to re-check the on-board medical kit (even though the mother came forward to say that she thought all was OK). Then a gentleman in the row in front of me called over a stewardess and said, “I have a meeting to get to. Can’t you just get him off the plane?” There’s something about flight that makes some people feel overly entitled. I had hoped that someone would spill coffee on his very Euro suit. But alas, he left the plane oblivious to the glares of all around him.
05 Meals Nice hotel. Cold night. Might as well eat in the restaurant. “Sorry sir, it’s fully booked.” Space at the bar? “Sorry, it’s too busy at the moment.” It’s great that hotels have welcomed in the residents of their cities but how do you also look after your guests? “There’s a very good Thai nearby,” was the hotel’s response.