OPENER / ANDREW TUCK
Mice to see you
1.
Boarding planes just got a lot more entertaining. Until Captain Coronavirus jumped into the pilot seat of life, there was a simple display of pecking order that played out when it was time to take your place. You would be called by group number, with those in group one, frequent fliers and the holders of the most expensive tickets called forward first. In the name of physical distancing, however, this has been turned on its head.
Flying to Zürich on Monday, I watched as a couple of opulently dressed women started a queue, well ahead of any announcements to board. And then I witnessed the confusion that struck when they heard that the plane was being boarded starting with the rear row numbers. What!? They looked at their boarding passes; they looked at each other; they explained to the ground crew their status – with some passion. And then, gently rebuffed, they edged away back through the gathering cloud of rear-seat passengers.
Don’t worry about them – or others facing this terrible revolution. It will only take a short time for people to rewire their brains and I am sure that next time they fly you’ll be able to overhear them declaring, “How awful having to board so early. I am so glad we are always the last people called. It’s so much nicer.”
2.
The virus is still here in Zürich but has been at such low levels for months that life feels pretty relaxed. But even here people are at different stages of returning to their usual routines. And there’s a simple test of where they are on that journey.
First, however, you need to know that Swissies have always played a trick on outsiders. Along with the Dutch and the Belgians, they do a triple-kiss greeting. Being a Brit, two seems more than adequate – to be honest, the whole kissing thing feels worryingly continental for many of my fellow country folk. So with Swiss friends you invariably leave them stranded on the third peck with their necks extended like a chick in a nest hoping to be given a caterpillar snack. Then, just as you realise your faux pas and hurriedly return for the third, they pull back, this time leaving you doing the hungry-bird face.
Well, this also just became more complicated. Now people you thought were the kissing type come at you for an elbow bump; former handshakers hold back and just give you a cheery smile; and others who you thought would definitely be standoffish dive in for man hugs. There are now so many potential moves available in those first few seconds that when we went to the opening of a new bar, I wondered whether during lockdown the whole nation had learned a new dance number and was in the midst of a flash-mob display.
3.
Good news! The restaurant buffet is alive and well in Zürich. Near the Monocle offices there’s an abundant vegetarian one, to which my Swiss colleague Carlo took us for a quick lunch. I have been worried about the buffet’s threatened extinction but here there were no signs of alarm, no panic that someone might have accidentally touched your falafel and, in no time, plates were piled with Alpine-high mountains of hummus and peppers.
4.
During the peak of lockdown in London, a group of mice took residence in the offices of Monocle. I wrote a column about their takeover and how they were secretly using our HQ to publish a rival magazine: Mousocle. If you don’t have contacts in that world you might have missed their output – reports on why they are opposed to catwalk fashion, the lives of the rich and famous in the Hampstertons and their very negative review of The Mousetrap. Well, some time ago they had the cheek to send me an Instagram friend request but this week, while at dinner at Rimini Bar, a contact from Hamburg claimed to have been the real creator of the account (thankfully with just one post). I wonder. Anyway, with the human team back at Midori House, Mousocle has been forced to find new offices, although with their new title, Mouse and Home, about to hit the smaller newsstands, they needed the extra space.