OPENER / ANDREW TUCK
Stroke of luck
In two weeks’ time restaurants and bars will reopen for indoor dining in England, groups of up to 30 will be allowed to meet outdoors and foreign travel may even be permitted – but when the sun shines, London already feels buoyant with alfresco spots outside cafés nabbed in seconds and parks packed. One of the nicest hints of a return to better times has been olfactory. In the evenings you catch the smell of fragrance dabbed on wrists; of aftershave applied to chin. A city slowly sharpening up its act, heading out for date night.
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Less pleasant is my gym. After months of enforcing a strict booking regime of one person per swimming lane for 30 minutes, it has now “had an assessment” and decided that you can have 23 people at any one time in a very modestly sized pool. Crikey, you might as well bring a bottle of wine, crank up the music and call it a hot-tub party instead. Meanwhile, it has also become overly passionate about taping out the gym floor to ensure that nobody gets within metres of each other – yes, “It’s according to the assessment.”
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In the health-food shop near Monocle’s offices, I cannot find a supplement I take that’s supposed to ensure your knees stay supple and happy even when you are pounding concrete on your nightly run. The manager sees me looking lost and explains that they have stopped putting it on display as it is one of a select list of products being targeted by a group of shoplifters. Well, the good news is that if the thieves also have dodgy knees, they should at least be easy to catch once spotted. Or perhaps they are controlled by a cabal of seniors with aching joints?
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What programmatic ads get served to you? I was talking to Tom, our managing editor, some time ago and was explaining how on Instagram I am often targeted by ads that seem to know my cultural tastes rather well. He scanned his account to see how this worked and was a little dismayed that the first thing he discovered was a supermarket ad for fish fingers. Well, currently, I am being hit by several different campaigns for underwear brands that promise to fix problems I never knew I had. Steady, not that. More along the lines of, “Can’t find comfortable underwear? Fed up of seams in your knickers? Want to feel more relaxed in your Y-fronts?” These are not issues I have ever fretted about and, I promise, would not be enquiries located in my search history. But judging by the number of designs that I am being lured to try, many of our brightest minds are engaged in this issue.
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A haircut after four months! You’ll be pleased to know I kept it long. But Jackson, my man with the scissors, tells me that half of his customers have made the same decision. A talisman for the times, or a hint that we are not quite back to normal yet?
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Back to the pool. As a first step towards hot-tubbery it has decided to have two people in each lane. So you now have to eye up the others getting in the pool to see who looks like a safe lane buddy. I avoid anyone who looks too keen; the high-speeders who smash through the water as though this were the Olympics – and you do not exist – are not fun. How about the young man who looks a bit sleepy? No, he’s the one whose swimming style involves more splashing and flailing than a supper-table-destined tuna being hauled out of the water on a fishing line. Instead, I look for someone north of 80 or with a jaunty swimming cap decorated with flowers. These are my people. But watch your valuables if it looks like they have bad joints: they could be granny gangsters.