I bought a pair of shoes. I wore them all day but they felt odd; they didn’t quite fit as I had hoped. When I took them off that night the problem became apparent: they were different sizes. The shop was apologetic and gave me a new pair and, as a bonus, told me to keep the others. Nice. But now I had a spare shoe for my right foot and a larger spare shoe for my left foot that would only ever be of use if, say, I got gout or puffy foot disease, or intended to enrol in clown school.
Now here’s one of those moments when you see how you and your partner approach life in curiously different ways. As I went to put the shoes in the bin, he said, with some strange confidence, “You’ll regret that. I guarantee that one day you will wish you had kept those.” Now the other half gets called many things (not least by me) but, as far as I know, “The Grand Seer of Bloomsbury” is not one of them. “Please explain,” I said.
“I bet you’ll lose a shoe and wish you had the spares,” he said. He can be a wise owl and, believe me, I lose a lot of things. But, so far, I have never awoken to find that an item of footwear has parted company with me on the journey home. The shoes went into the bin.
This approach to life has always divided us – and also always divided the wardrobe in rather unfair proportions: his fulsome side is replete with shirts not worn for a decade but which he claims he really needs. Or even more annoyingly, clothes that still have their tags on, which he says he is saving for a “special occasion”. Judging by the number of times that he’s ignored them on actual special occasions, I have a feeling that he’s holding out for a visit to the palace for a knighthood or the awarding of some ancient medal for oracles.
Every now and then I will lure him into having a clear-out. But like stumbling on a skittish – and sage – old deer in a forest, you have to approach with caution, not revealing your intentions until the very last minute in case your quarry bolts. We, (well, I) even have a name for these sessions. They are called “use it or lose it” and it’s a phrase that strikes terror into his heart.
Illustration: Mathieu De Muizon
The process goes like this. “Do you think you will ever wear these Elizabethan-style elbow-length gloves?” I ask. He will caress said object and then say with confidence, “We have to keep them. They are very good gloves. I wore them when I was in Hamlet.”
“What about this rather tired shirt?” Again, much sighing. By now he might have even had to take a seat as it’s all getting a little too much. “Well, I used to love it. But, OK, it can go.”
Sometimes I appeal to his better judgment and suggest that someone else could be in dire need of one of his 50 stripy shirts. We even make a special halfway-house section on the rail where items can hold out for another month to see whether he will “use or lose” them.
You can’t play “use it or lose it” for too long as tempers will fray like an old shirt’s cuffs. It’s also good to quickly get the outcasts into a recycling bin to ensure that no panicked retrieving takes place. We also give good stuff to Cleo, who has helped to keep the house in order for the past 15 years, and she in turn sends it to her family and friends in rural Brazil. I like to imagine that there’s a whole village dressed like the other half – perhaps one person even going about their day in long, slender gloves and hoping that a ruff is in the next clothes drop from Auntie Cleo.
Meanwhile, back in London, I’ve been keeping a close eye on the bin bags awaiting collection on Monday but if you happen to be in my neighbourhood of Bloomsbury and see a man shuffling around in two clearly different-sized shoes, you’ll know that I have failed.