If you’ve been concerned that much of the Western world has lost its competitive pluck in these gentler, tread-softly times, you’ll be relieved to hear that this is not the case with Monocle readers – particularly those who wake up bright and early, and start their Sundays with this column. In case you missed it, last week I launched the debut edition of The Monocle Common Sense Quiz. The moment the first emails hit inboxes in Wellington and Melbourne, the responses were already bouncing back with answers sharp, naughty and instructive.
While most managed to meet the Tuesday deadline of 18.00 Zürich time, there were plenty of others who tried to push it and made up excuses – “It got caught in my outbox and I didn’t know it was stuck there”; blamed faulty servers – “We might have been hacked”; or, “I was on an aircraft with patchy wi-fi.” On the last excuse, I realise that closed Russian airspace makes much long-haul travel complicated but even Qantas’s longest-range aircraft can’t remain aloft for 24 hours, let alone the three days that were available to send in polished answers. As deadlines are our business at Monocle, we were brutal with the cut-off. But we read through all of the answers and can happily report that our judges decided that there could be more than three winners. Questions and the winning answers are listed below.
1
It’s a Saturday afternoon, you’re at a lovely hotel in Sardinia but no one told you when you booked that most of the hotel was going to be taken over by Instagrammers with big lips/boobs/bums and their photographers. There’s so much augmentation around the pool that it has been blocked out by the sun. What do you do?
Approach the hotel manager and find out how much the hotel is charging for these “fashion” shoots. If the answer is zero, borrow his/her manager’s jacket and approach the augmentees, suggesting to them that the hotel would like them to contribute to the establishment’s free-evening-spritz fund.
Dan G, UK
Pull out your copy of the July/August issue of Monocle and give the augmented a revelatory touch of paper. Those not beyond redemption will be converted for life and renounce the ways of hyper-digital and fillers.
Imran Y, UK
Immediately seek out the sensible-looking staff member (Wes Anderson cast stand-in?) who appears equally aghast at the state of affairs. Suggest that an emergency security check of the hotel’s IT systems is warranted that requires disabling all wi-fi for a few hours. Generously tip the staff member and order a nice cocktail from the bar. When the Instagrammers get bored with looking at each other rather than their static phones, hop on a vacated lounger and enjoy your time in the sun.
Jonathan B, Germany
The late David Tang used to advocate the use of a mobile-phone-signal jammer, effectively taking the “Insta” out of Instagram, which would I hope be enough to send them all scurrying elsewhere. Unfortunately it appears from a little research that these devices are now illegal in Italy – but then again, so is tax evasion.
William S, Singapore
2
You’re not a fan of video conferences and you’re also a stickler when it comes to timekeeping. What’s an acceptable window to wait for someone to appear on screen? Three minutes? Five?
Twitch to see an enormous clock over your shoulder. Note the lateness on a good Swiss Mondaine on the wall behind you. If others are on the call, just start, else don’t fret but always close on time or even early; back-to-back calls treat people like battery hens without room to think/drink/or go to the loo between them. The best calls have the freshness of a conversation – to chat and make progress, and leave you time to be human afterwards. Like airlines, always choose the first call of the day to ensure punctuality.
Phil E, Geneva
If the “missing” participant hasn’t had the dignity to send a message that he’s running late, three minutes are more than sufficient.
Eleftherios G, Greece
No hurries. I would use the waiting time to arrange my beard in more fashionable ways.
Hubert, Germany
3
You’re in the lobby of a grand hotel in the Alps and your friends have invited their dog along to have its tummy rubbed. Of all the pets you’re friendly with, this one’s your favourite. Despite being more mid-sized than toy, he jumps up on your lap. Guests all around ask his name and where he’s from. He’s having a lovely time and is so relaxed that he starts emitting the most silent, violent farts. Moments later a woman nearby gags and another pulls out a hand fan. What action do you take?
Say, fairly discreetly, “Oh I’d better do something about this Crohn’s disease flare-up” and graciously leave with the dog.
Neil M, UK
I’d start chatting with my friendly dog about the quality of the raclette with preserved onions that we had last night. Nothing better than melted real Alps cheese when it’s 30C outside.
India di S, Italy
You apologise for the tacos you had the night before. You don’t get to blame the little one! Take one for the team!
Eleftherios, Greece
Continue rubbing the dog’s belly and take no further action. Dogs are faultless, perfect creatures.
Les L, Phoenix
Ed’s note:
There were also an overwhelming number of responses suggesting that the farting dog should have been sent to Sardinia to lounge among the Instagrammers.
4
You’ve just read an article in a favourite Swiss newspaper about cancel culture. It’s written from the perspective of a bemused correspondent based in Chicago who is a sharp critique of this US export. You conclude that this type of commentary would no longer get past most editors in US newsrooms, which makes it all the more intriguing. Do you send it to all of your US friends and colleagues to show them that freedom of thought and expression is alive and well elsewhere? Or leave them be?
Don’t send it. Americans know that cancel culture isn’t global but they believe in it anyway. So sending it is akin to judgement by St Peter; since some won’t care to enter the gates of heaven anyway, they will continue to do as they wish, notwithstanding the consequences.
Meg F, Philippines
Since there are only three actual newspaper editors left in the States (let alone actual newspapers), go ahead and let them know that their country’s Twain-like culture has not been entirely cancelled and lives abroad in journalistic exile.
Jonathan B, Germany
I would rather encourage them to subscribe to a variety of publications that will provide them with a balanced view of the world. I disagree 100 per cent with some of the journalism in the magazines and newspapers I subscribe to but without exposure to opposing views, we are all doomed.
William S, Singapore
Send it far and wide! We need to stand up for protecting freedom of speech as much as our woke counterparts try to cancel culture and any other truths!
Marek F, Switzerland
Definitely send it on! The US needs Monocle’s smart, pragmatic and independent voice.
Clinton M, USA
Avoid the temptation. Best to just not bother because most of us are tired of hearing about it. We know that the US is a dumpster fire. We are reminded vividly every day. Constructive suggestions on how to, 1) live with it without succumbing to utter despair, and 2) take personal actions to make things better would be much more appreciated and well-received.
Les L, Phoenix
5
A friend has invited you round for dinner and asks whether there are any dietary issues. In your excitement, you reply that there are no issues and that you’re ‘really into oysters or goat’s cheese’. When you arrive at the alfresco dinner there’s a tower of oysters that have been flown in from France and a wagon-wheel-sized block of chèvre. Perfect for the other assembled guests. After a while, the host asks why you're not touching the items you’re ‘really into’ and you become slightly uncomfortable. Under the table you consult your phone. Horror! You forgot to type ‘not’ before ‘really into’. Now what?
“Not really into” isn’t the same as “dreadfully allergic to”. Embrace the chaos, devour the oysters and eat a little of the cheese. Note: there is always cheese left at the end of a meal, so all will be well.
Dan G, UK
Tuck in and forget my dislikes. Or bring the friend’s dog from question three as he loves oysters and cheese.
Alan M, UK
Say, since a recent rebound of coronavirus, I can’t smell or taste a thing and would hate to waste such luxurious victuals on myself.
Gay S, Wisconsin
Presumably you are an adult. Be an adult and make an effort to eat things you think you don’t like. You might surprise yourself. Children get to be picky; not adults.
Les L, Phoenix
Thank you to all for participating. Presents will be shipped from Monday. Where possible, we will try to fulfil from a nearby Monocle Shop. The Monocle Common Sense Quiz will return in time for Christmas.