01
It was the other half’s birthday last weekend and we were back in Palma de Mallorca. I took him for a very nice dinner at El Camino restaurant, sitting at the long counter as chefs cooked our meal in front of us. Though we had a fun night, he has not been given a present. That’s because I am on a gift strike – at least, when it comes to him.
When you are a child, you cannot believe that your parents don’t get giddily excited about presents or, incredibly, say that they have everything that they need (“Are they mad?” you wonder). I had a grandmother who would regularly unwrap presents and then hand the contents back to the gift-giver, explaining, “It’s nice but I will never use it.” Well, my partner has reached that stage and, to be blunt, it’s infuriating. I feel as though I am shacked up with the Dalai Lama. If I buy him something to wear, for example, I am lucky to see it get more than a single outing. When quizzed about the jumper that vanished into the wardrobe or the jacket that has never made it past the front door, he’ll claim that he’s “saving it”. He reads books on his Kindle (almost grounds for a divorce when your business involves such a love of paper) and is interested in technology but does not want a Luddite like me involved in buying any for him. So, this year, we reached an impasse: he had to give me an idea for a present or go without. Finally, after much prodding, he said that he knew what he wanted. He told me that there’s a subscription service that lets you watch recordings of plays on TV – could he have that and put the standing order in my name? I suggested that he should do the same with his phone bill and then that way I would have next Christmas covered too. He reluctantly agreed to “have another think”.
Then, on Sunday, María and Alfredo, our Spanish neighbours in Palma, pitched up with a gift in a box that was tied with a lovely ribbon. It turned out that they had found someone who makes miniature plaster models of dogs and they had had one crafted, from a photograph, of our fox terrier, Macy. It was a nice idea but the plaster version of Macy looks as though she has just swallowed a truckle of manchego cheese. She is clinically obese. Even the gift-givers apologised for her unflattering proportions. But the man who, just moments before, had said that he had no need for any more material things in his life was charmed and, after they left, kept moving Fat Macy around the apartment, trying to find her “the perfect home” (I had a dark thought). He took pictures of Fat Macy to send to friends. Really, how could I have known that this was what had been missing in his life? Let’s see if he’s just as excited when the model-maker finishes the likeness of him that I’ve now commissioned.
02
On the flight back to London, just after take-off, the pilot mentioned that his wife would be our chief flight attendant. Later, when she stopped by with the drinks trolley, I said to her that I had never heard an announcement like that and asked how often she got to fly with her husband. “He’s not my husband,” she assured me. “But he just said you were,” I insisted. I must have been speaking a little loudly at this point because the father and son in the row behind us joined in. “He definitely said that you were his wife,” they concurred. Then a woman across the aisle said that she had also heard the announcement. “I just told my mum how romantic it was,” she said. By now even the flight attendant was looking unsure. She stopped serving and instructed us to wait there – though where we might have gone was unclear – while she went and double-checked (could she perhaps have forgotten that they were life partners?). We watched her call him from the phone outside the cockpit and there were a couple of minutes of discussion. Then she returned to explain that we had misheard the captain and that he had actually said that his “work wife” was onboard. “But he’s asked me out for a drink,” she said with a smile.
03
I receive an invitation to a very nice dinner for some 20 people in a Mayfair townhouse restaurant. I arrive at the same time as another guest and, after both of us scoop up glasses of champagne, we fall into conversation. We talk about work – he runs, among other things, a social-media photography company with his partner. Then we discuss travel and family; he tells me that he has a two-month-old child. Three hours later, just as the dinner is wrapping up, I get chatting with a woman who says that she will be travelling to the Maldives the next day with her two-month-old child. “How funny, there’s a guy here who you really must meet – he also has a two-month-old baby,” I say with some excitement while pointing out the fellow whose arrival coincided with mine. “That’s my husband,” she replies with a look that you save for dealing with people in their dotage. Until that point, I had been doing so well with getting people together.