Opinion / Andrew Tuck
But is it art?
We live in a time when any act of self-expression just gets nodded through; for example, few people would even dare to raise an eyebrow at “ink culture” for fear of disrespecting it. So while you should be able to say that you really are not that invested in your partner’s purchase of a large swathe of body art, most people still try to remain calm – or at least come across as nonplussed – when faced with such news. “Really? A giant caterpillar popping its head out from your underwear? Sounds absolutely charming, dear. Although you are 70 now; it could look a little, well, slug-like.”
The only people who seem to make their views blatantly clear are parents. When they discover their 10-year-old son, Joachim, trying to purchase a copy of Tattooing for Beginners: You Too Can Ink Your Sister on Amazon, a potent cocktail of bribes and threats are usually brought to bear. Something along the lines of: you will get the car/holiday/stripper of your choice if you are tattoo-free on your 18th birthday. If not we will change our names, move house and deny all knowledge of you.
But more often it feels as though the bribing should come from the other direction. During our conference in Madrid this summer, Fiona Wilson, our Tokyo bureau chief, and I met for breakfast to be swotty and run through the panels we would be hosting. At the next table a German family was looking for some Frühstück. The two teenage daughters were tall and chic but with that youthful goofy inelegance that reminds you of a giraffe. The mother was also striking. All three were in shorts and T-shirts and had no tattoos. Dad, meanwhile, was embellished from ankle to neck and in a hotchpotch of styles; a Maori-type swirl here, some Chinese script there. Personally I think that a good rule of thumb is that when you become more patterned than a Turkish carpet, it’s time to apply the handbrake – just a teeny bit. Anyway, to ensure maximum body-art reveal, he had also rocked up for his eggs in a singlet and shorts so short that he risked fully revealing his caterpillar. Fiona and I named the look “Porn Dad” and wondered whether his daughters liked him collecting them from school. But no, we were not judging.
OK, I’d better say something nice. Especially as at Monocle you can spy some inky treats: a whale here, a little dog there, a crow perched on a calf. They seem personal, considered, timeless. Oh, and Tyler has a big Monocle M on his back. Come on, I’m joking. But too many tattoos seem to be linked to trends and periods in ink history – those Maori tattoos are very 2000. They are more effective than carbon dating at revealing the owner’s age.
Now the reason the tattoo world came to mind is that I have spotted another shift in the world of self-expression. Yesterday, I saw a man with one of those epic Edwardian-style beards and I suddenly realised he was a hirsute anomaly on the street. Indeed I hadn’t seen such a flamboyant whiskerfest for ages. So while scrubby chins and modest beards are clearly not in decline, have we passed peak pointy beard? (Thankfully it’s been months since I received a press release flogging beard brushes, beard decorations and beard performance oils).
Could such a shift happen to tattoos? Perhaps too many people have invested too much in this world for it to dim. But it is fashion-driven and fashion has a now-let’s-do-the-opposite-thing at the heart of its DNA. So be wary.
But in the meantime, I do wonder why what ends up being tattooed on flesh remains so limited. And here lies a potential route to salvation for anyone dealing with that partner who proposes getting, say, a “sleeve” on their forearm or angel wings on their back. As it’s you who’s going to wake up looking at the “art”, why not encourage them to get real art. Perhaps your favourite Rothko between their shoulder blades, a Hockney on their haunches of just a much-loved modernist housing project on their thighs? Or how about a giant Hieronymus Bot? Now that could be fun.