OPENER / ANDREW TUCK
It’ll never catch on
It’s Friday morning and I’m happily installed in the breakfast room of the Can Bordoy hotel in Palma de Mallorca. Out through the French windows the sun is hitting the lush foliage. It’s going to be 17C today – the first time in weeks that I won’t need a scarf. There’s some jazz playing in the background and I am hoping that the resident Afghan hound, Mr B, will come around soon. If you’ve put your northern-Italian skiing holiday on hold, I’d recommend this city. Stepping away from the rolling news is good for you – but... well, in Europe there’s some unease. People are questioning their travel even when there is no suggestion to stay put from anyone in the know.
Last night we went to a bar-cum-restaurant, La Rosa Vermutería, and as we managed to polish off rather a lot of verdejo and patatas bravas (who knew that a diet of wine and chips could be so delicious?). I got talking to another couple from the UK who explained that, along with their holiday looks, they had packed rubber gloves and masks. I looked around. The bar was packed with locals, visitors and lovers young and old, and life looked pretty normal. I imagined them sitting there in their medical gloves – would people think a pair of tipsy heart surgeons had nipped out mid-operation for a cava chaser? Even they now laughed at the thought.
At the airport we did see two or three British travellers in masks; one couple had found something that made them look like extras from the TV series Chernobyl. There was a funny plastic piece over their mouth that resembled the cap from a water bottle – perhaps they had found the instructions for a craft version of a mask that you can make yourself. Or snapped up something a bit homespun on Etsy. Anyway, they looked horribly self-conscious; not your natural early adopters.
And I understand. For every show-off early adopter who brags of wearing a look before everyone else, there are 10 people whose style bets go wrong and leave them hoping that no one was there taking pictures (bad luck). I gave up on early adoption long ago. And I blame my parents.
Now I admit that even at the age of 10 I had some unusual sartorial requests for my very conservative parents. There was the phase when I bugged them like crazy to buy me velvet trousers – why at 10 I wanted to resemble a pocket-sized Hugh Hefner I don’t know (although I did have a real pet rabbit). They refused.
Even when they did acquiesce to my fashion fads, my mother would normally take my clear shopping instructions and then add her own creative juices and end up purchasing something that was just odd. I organised a whole “I need a denim jacket” campaign at the age of 12. I am sure that I supplied photo references. My mother came home with something that, yes, was made from denim, but the material had been styled into a safari jacket, complete with gold-buckled waist. It was a silhouette that demanded a swagger that was half-pimp, half-colonialist – and, to be fair to me, I think anyone would struggle to pull that off. But I was sent to school, which had no uniform, wearing this number.
I am not sure what sort of figure I cut among my contemporaries back then (although, as my parents took more than enough pictures of me in a parade of outfits that resembled a psychotic fancy-dress fiesta, I have a pretty good idea). But somehow I got away with not being bullied.
However, I still shudder at the memory of the day that my mother gave me a purple cravat with a little gold toggle to keep it all in place. There was a practice run in front of my sisters who said nothing (never trust your sisters). But then – why, oh why – I wore it to school and from the looks I received I realised that I needed to fire my stylist (sorry, mum). I’d like to claim that, from then on, there were no style stumbles but the photo albums prove otherwise. Yet at least today, when I open the wardrobe, there’s a sea of comforting navy and grey. And, as yet, no masks.