I have a failsafe business idea. The revival of the ear trumpet – those giant cones that, before hearing aids, old folk would insert into their ear to amplify the speech of their nearest and dearest. Though, truth is, I’ve only ever seen them in comedy films circa 1930 and, even then, they were an amusing and ancient affectation.
I went to a very nice dinner this week in a peerless restaurant but could only hear the people next to me and still found myself missing entire sentences. The laughter and general bonhomie of the dining room generated a roar that bounced off the walls and uncurtained windows. This problem has been amplified as restaurants squeeze in more tables to ensure that they can cover costs. I now find myself regularly cupping my ear in a bid to remain part of the conversation – and I am not alone. So let’s revive the ear trumpet. Could it come as an iPhone attachment? Be sported as a spirited bonnet when not in use? I realise that, as a company, we also missed a trick here. After calling the magazine Monocle, perhaps our radio service should have been called Ear Trumpet.
I suppose there’s always layman’s sign language to get you by – as when you do a writing motion to a waiter when you require the bill. Though why this mime hasn’t been updated to a tapping action, I am unsure. My partner’s “the-cheque-please” mime is sometimes so elaborate and florid that I think waiters think he’s suggesting that they should become pen pals. But I have a real sign-language story to depart, one that I have been waiting for the right moment to share.
Back in December, during The Monocle Christmas Market, I decided to sneak off for 10 minutes to take Macy the fox terrier on a lap of the block, just in case nature needed answering. I also took this as a moment to call home. We had only been walking a minute when I saw a woman running towards me, looking late-for-a-date flustered. Her denim jacket had slipped off her shoulders, perhaps dislodged by the strap of her shoulder bag. Under the jacket she was wearing what we may call a boob tube. Except she wasn’t. Like a poorly moored tugboat, the tube had broken free from its anchorage and had drifted up to a place that was, well, north of the Bay of Nipples.
So, in one of my proudest moments, when she was perhaps just a few metres away, I smiled a little crazily, capturing her attention. Then, while still holding the phone and dog lead, I managed to use my hands to mime a downward motion, while simultaneously looking at the fallen-from-their-nest bush babies. In a gist she had the issue computed and resolved with a rapid readjustment, and continued her dash, just in a more contained way. A woman on the other side of the road shouted, “Thank you!” in recognition of my community service. I might have beamed. Five minutes later I stopped off at The Monocle Café and there, in front of me in the queue, was Miss Boob Tube with her date. We both diligently avoided any eye contact. I stared at the cinnamon buns (I mean the pastries), our secret never to be mentioned again – well, until now.
On Monday there was a day trip to Paris. The city had just hosted its fashion week and so, among the usual variety of passengers, the train was sprinkled with an array of on-message buyers, designers and even the odd old-school supermodel. Then, into my carriage, alighted a young man in full Georgian dress – boots, fitted coat, top hat, the lot. On this fashion wagon he barely got a second look but I doffed an imaginary hat to his confidence.
Back in London I mentioned this moment to my desk neighbour, Lex, who had a worrying knowledge of the look. “They call it Georgian-core. It’s a big thing.” In seconds he had tracked down an Instagram account of one such dandy and alighted on a clip that had 480,000 likes (I believe this might have been my Eurostar friend) and featured him dressing, from stocking feet to bicorn hat. Who knew? Yet, while I might find Georgian-core a little mystifying, I have gained some encouragement from this beau’s swagger and am looking forward to our encounter next fashion week, when top hats will be passé once more and everyone will be desperate to know where I got my ear trumpet.